i grew up in a household with a step parent who just genuinely did not like me. i don’t know why. i never will. he was an alcoholic who had some sort of mental illness which he did not get treatment for and due to both of those things, he treated me very poorly and put me down a lot. but having to spend so much time with someone, and having them as a sort of parent figure, it’s a natural thing to want them to, not just be proud of you, but to just generally like you. so you try so hard. you’re so nice. you’re so quiet so you don’t bug them. you don’t do anything wrong. and after perfecting your persona, they still find the little things to pick at you for. so you realize you’ll never be perfect, and if someone can’t like you when you’ve done nothing wrong, how can anyone else like you when you do things wrong? it’s hard for me to be mad with anyone or be vulnerable because since i had that experience, it’s like i’m conditioned to do my absolute best to be a perfect person or they will see that i’m not perfect like they did, and they’ll reject me. and then soon i’ll be alone. and i know how irrational this sounds. believe me, i know it’s not true, but it’s how i naturally act and respond to people. i have to forgive people right away. if i’m mad at them, they’ll think i’m not understanding or compassionate and they’ll leave and find someone who is. i put so much effort into being a nice person that i feel like it has drained every other part of my personality. i feel like if i don’t have the “nice person” persona to fall back on, i have nothing to give to anyone. so it’s hard to put myself out there and find new friends or go on dates or even apply for jobs. i’m so scared of rejection and not pleasing people all the time. i’m scared of not being perfect.
they say the first step is admitting that you have a problem. so what is the next step? i don’t really know
